Sixteen Year-old Blues
by Allen Williams circa 1988

To all those young couples who wed
Think twice before jumping in bed
I'll tell you my story
I feel it mandatory
I just hope it sinks into your head

When I was a young man of thirty
I fell in love with a woman so flirty
We made love so dear
With protection so near
Till one day I just got too squirty

As nine months flew by so fast
A plump shadow she started to cast
She was such a sight
Eating twinkies all night
Till she knew that it wasn't just gas

Soon the rush to the hospital came
As I was about to proclaim
I love you my dear
It is finally here
And now we must think of a name

The boy that we had was a dream
We never thought that he'd be obscene
Till he became a teen
Hangin' cool was his scene
While in school he would only daydream

At sixteen he's driving me crazy
It's not cause he's dirty or lazy
The words that he uses
Without any excuses
Makes talking to him sound so hazy

He comes home with a few dozen friends
The line 'round the block never ends
A nerd, flake and a freak
A dude, putz and a dweeb
The language he constantly bends

With a girl he says he wants to scam
Then suddenly he's got to jam
In the snow he will shred
At least that's what he said
Now I think I need a clear diagram

If I'm sick he tells me I'm illin'
If I'm angry he tells me I'm chillin'
He makes me feel lame
"Get a life" he'll proclaim
If I knew what he meant I'd be willin'