01-01-08 1:22 a.m.
by Allen Williams circa 2008

New Years Eve just passed and I am losing my mother slowly.
I have heard it said before that we lose loved ones in pieces.
Piece by piece, ever so slowly we often don’t notice pieces are gone.

Last night, one and one half hours ago was New Years Eve midnight. So many new years I thought how long I will have her. Wondering if she will be with me, in my life another year. Tonight she was sleeping and I went into her room. Seven minutes before midnight and I turned the channel to the festivities in New York City as they lowered the illustrious ball. Another year, another past, another beginning, another ending. So many years have come and gone and for that I am grateful

So tonight I stepped inside her room and awoke her from her light sleep. Crept upon the bed next to her as she asked, if I want to get under the covers. It is almost midnight I said, Mom it is almost the New Year, I love you. She said, I love you too.

The minutes seemed to go by so slowly, minute by minute, worn breath by breath. Together we lay waiting for the moment to arrive as I touched her. Rubbing her back and touching her hands, more frail than I ever had hoped. She said, maybe your girl friends like that but I don’t and I smiled. But I knew it is only the age upon one’s body that makes it frail and painful. Makes one who exuded so much life and energy so paper thin and aching.

So, I just touched her hand and her arm and told her how much I love her. Yet I am not ready for this... You see I am not ready to face the ultimate outcome and not prepared. So, we lie there waiting as the moments slipped by. Just like our lives slipped away, minute by minute. Yet tonight those minutes were counted.

Tonight we counted the minutes, so slowly as they passed, not to return. And tonight I touched her for the last time in two thousand and seven. For the first time in two thousand and eight and I am grateful for the minutes we shared.

But I have heard it said many times before. That we lose the ones we love not all at once but piece by piece. One by one, ever so slowly they seem to leave us. The exuberant woman who stood so erect at one time. Who had a voice and personality that would make people notice. The woman who I loved all of my life is slipping away slowly. Piece by piece, moment by moment, gradually leaving me.

For I know one day she will be gone, one day my world will be empty. And I know how much I will miss her. And I don't think that I am prepared.

To remember how she felt and sounded... the tone of her voice. Remember her personality that didn’t want to be touched. Remember how frail her one hundred six pound body was. How she joked that she didn’t want to get fat. How she worried when I left to get her something to eat. How much she appreciated the care that I gave her.

I have lost my mother but I didn’t realize how many pieces. As the minutes passed waiting for midnight as a reflection of the minutes in our lives. Time is stealing my mother and I can’t stop it. The glorious woman who meant so much to this world. The woman who loved her grandson with all of her heart. Who was always so generous, is leaving. Piece by piece, minute by minute the year came to an end.

New Years Eve, two thousand and seven.
With gratitude I pray we will get another.